The married life in South Korea told from the point of view of a Seoul woman.
I meet Mrs. Lee in a bar in Seoul, it’s late afternoon and people are starting to leave the offices: some go to restaurants for dinner, others to bars to have a drink and relax, others go home to their families. It’s a beautiful early autumn day, we order a couple of beers and start talking about her life.
“I was born 45 years ago in this big city, 20 of which I lived overseas. I graduated in the USA from one of the best fine arts universities in the country, then returned here to South Korea and got married at the time I was about 25.” A rather particular life for a person of her age, as it was not exactly easy for a Korean family to travel or live abroad back then. Certainly, the experiences she lived have led her to have a different and more open-minded approach to life than those who have never left the country. “I spent the first two or three years that I was back here in Seoul quite happily, working as a freelancer and traveling a lot.”
Soon social pressures and patterns, despite coming from a modern and broad-minded family, pushed her to find a husband. “I was the first of 3 sisters and … the eldest leaves first …” Tradition has it that the eldest daughter should marry first, while the other sisters or brothers have to wait their turn.
“In Korea, there is a tendency to get married between people from the same social class, especially among upper-class families. There are agencies specialized in arranging blind dates. Send a photo and an introduction and they will find a way to get you married.“ Many couples still have nowadays this kind of arranged romantic blind dates, to get to know each other, over the weekend in hotel cafes to try their luck. This type of meeting for finding a husband and wife is called, in Korean, Seon (선) and usually, it is the families that request the support of these agencies of love intermediaries for their kids. “I have tried several times but without success, I have probably met a hundred men, but there were never any matches. The problem was always about the prejudices that the people I met had towards me as I lived for many years outside my country. An attribute that usually frightened them, as they thought I would have been too independent and much more “difficult to manage”, they wanted a “quiet” woman. Unfortunately, my ideas were not too important for the choice, it is always the man who decides if the woman is okay or not for the wedding. I could have refused, but I was tired of meeting all those different people for the wedding and family pressures pushed me to accept quickly and without thinking too much a man who liked me.” But who unfortunately was certainly not her soul mate, or at least something similar.
“We got married after about 2 months of dating. Although we saw each other maybe just 3 or 4 times at the weekends and during that time there wasn’t much communication between us. He didn’t even ask me to marry him, it was his father who one day, almost like in a trap, showed me the calendar with a precise date in which our wedding would have been desirable…I didn’t have time to think or the strength to say no.” Not really something romantic and spontaneous, a situation that unfortunately I have seen in many other couples here in South Korea. Getting married under these social/family pressures is like gambling, where the future life of the couple is the stake. Sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn’t … “Fortunately the new generations are less subject to these kind of things, much more independent and free, even if this freedom has its problems. Many couples separate easily, a real lasting bond is not created and family values are no longer as strong as they were.” As always, everything has its pros and cons.
So the two families, after having agreed on the destiny of Mrs. Lee and her future husband, had nothing to do but wait for the wedding day. “Ceremonies are often organized in wedding halls, which are basically factories that produce families. A couple comes in, gets married in 30 minutes and then another one…!” Marriage ceremony here in South Korea lasts one day, unlike other countries around here where a wedding can take several days.
So from one day to another, my friend finds herself married… “Everything happened so quickly, I almost didn’t notice or realize it.” Choices like this, heavily influenced by families and social pressures, sometimes lead to acts of which we are not fully aware.
“We started living together from the first day of marriage, we had never lived together before. But unfortunately I also started to realize that I had nothing in common with my husband.” This is another characteristic that I have noticed in many couples I have met here in the Asian country. “Our lives were very different, mainly because I had traveled and lived outside Korea for a long time and he was a very traditional-minded person. Often my husband came home from work and didn’t even speak to me because he was stressed by the day. I tried my best to make the relationship works, I had a lot of hope in the beginning, I thought I could have changed the situation and improved it. And then I got pregnant with my daughter.” Once you have a child, the relationship is quite consolidated, it is difficult to get out of this situation even if you want to. Divorce is tolerated, especially nowadays, but it is not easy to separate if you are married with children. The kids could face social discrimination: “They often look down on them, so you try to avoid divorce if you have children even if the relationship is a disaster. Sometimes the kids are subjected to great stress and start to have problems such as depression or disorders. Once the children have reached a mature age (around 20 years old) you can consider breaking up.”
“After a short time my second daughter was born and then we had a son“ It is important for a Korean family to have a son, both in terms of carrying the bloodline and for the traditional ceremonies of respect for the ancestors in which the male is involved. “But today things have reversed a bit as it has been understood that daughters are usually the ones who help the most when their parents get old.”
“My life at home was not too happy: I soon discovered that my husband had married me just for interest, hoping that my father could have helped him in his professional career. He also never cared for our children or helped me with the household chores. The wife’s role here in South Korea traditionally is related to raising children, keeping the house tidy and cooking meals. I also started working again as my husband, after my father decided not to help him told me he wouldn’t give me more money to spend for myself.” Fortunately, not all fathers are like this here on the Asian peninsula, as I have seen they generally take care of their children, especially in their free time on weekends.
Another element of tension in the lives of many married Korean women is represented by the husband’s family: especially the in-laws, who are rather pushing and nosy. “For them the son is the best of the best, a king that the wife must reverence and care for. My mother-in-law often calls to check if the precious son is doing well and if I am taking good care of him. The woman often has to cook as well for them during the various traditional meals during holidays.” Fortunately, things are changing a bit nowadays, women are becoming more independent, several husbands are starting to help in the house. “Lots of people have not even married yet, although they are over 30. Many women work, which has created economic independence that allows them to be freer from social schemes and pressures. They want to live a more fulfilling life, but at the same time there is much more loneliness, a lot of people die alone.” Characteristic that can be seen in many industrialized and developed countries, the more money you have, the less desire there is to commit to a stable relationship. “Feminist movements are also starting to rise in Korean society, things are changing. Sometimes, however, the situation can turn out to be a little unbalanced.”
A feature that struck me is that often married couples live in separate rooms, almost as if they were two strangers in the same house and Mrs. Lee confirms this situation to me. She also adds: “We don’t spend a lot of time together, every two weeks we go out for dinner with the kids, but nothing more.” Fortunately, the relationship with her children is totally different and fulfilling.
I ask if there is anything positive in her relationship “I’m glad my husband has been faithful. Many people in his social position and his profession, here in Korea, try to destress from the hard and stressful working day by getting drunk and going to some Room Salon.” Places where you drink with young girls and by paying a few extras you can take them to a hotel to spend the night together. “My husband releases his stress nagging me excessively…”. We speak more about the cheating scene here in Korea, not only do men cheat, it happens very often that women also have an escape from their relationship, especially when the bond became just a social burden.
I ask her current situation after about 25 years of marriage: “I feel much freer and less stressed than before, especially now that my children are adults and I know I have been a good mother to them. A lot of pressure and stress for the families regarding the university attended by the children here, people judge kids based on the entrance exam for a major institution. If your children are not in a good university you are considered negatively by the community. But my son and daughters have successfully passed this phase, I did good!”
I ask her if she would marry again if she could go back in time… “I knew you would have asked me this question.” She laughs. “The only reason I would do this again is to have my three children.”
What will happen when your children find their way and leave home? “This scares me. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I’d rather stay with my husband and not get divorced. Trying to be friends and developing a better relationship and communication, trying to have more things and interests in common. I know it’s not easy…but there is always a way to improve our lives!“.
(People in the pictures are random humans, not Mrs. Lee!)
